"Men, nowadays, are dying to be bald" - but why?

The Bald and the Beautiful

What do you think Jeff Bezos, Anupam Kher, Andre Agassi, Rajinikant and me have in common? 

“Well done!” for those who got the ‘bald’ answer and “Well tried!” for those who are still scratching their heads, for being on the right spot!

Do you know about the newest classification of men: 'those who are bald' and 'those who want to be?'

Want to be? You may be surprised, if you are one of those unfortunate ‘Haves’.  Being a ‘Have-not’, I can explain why.

David Harrison, a senior research scientist, from the Genome Research Centre in Geneva, too was sceptical, initially, like you are.

Few months ago, I was at a social gathering with my colleague, Ravi Kumar.  There he introduced me to David Harrison.

“Tony, meet Mr. Harrison,” Ravi introduced him to me. My name is Thanikachalam Subramanian, also known as, 'Tony'.

I said, “Hai, Mr. Harrison, nice meeting you. I am Tony,” extending my hand.

Mr. Harrison shook my hand warmly as he looked at my top – far more than the customary few seconds - did he linger a little longer?

I discovered his face with some difficulty, amidst a thick mane, to exchange a smile. He had his hair all over the face, a thick beard and the only parts that were visible were his little forehead, eyeballs, nose and mouth, when he chose to open it.

I have not seen a more perfect match between the name and the looks of a person than Mr. Harrison.  The sight of his hairy face made me feel allergic to him.

However, eager to know the details of his genome research, I asked him what he is up to, without realising that the conversation that followed is going to change the course of Mr. Harrison’s $1.6 billion genome research project.

“Tony,” Harrison said with a grin, “in short, my research is going to solve your problem,” while he glanced, yet again, at my ‘perfect’ head.

“My problem? I do not seem to have a problem,” I said with a queer in my voice. 

He reluctantly said, “You see, you have been losing your hair and …”

I immediately interjected, “I am sorry, I am not losing anything. In fact, I thought I am gaining more face,” to give him a lesson on the power of positive thinking.

“Please allow me to explain about this research,” he pleaded. Then he explained about how his team is tracing the gene code that is the root cause of MPB (Male Pattern Baldness) i.e. hair-loss in men, and that one-day he will come up with a breakthrough solution that will eliminate the hair-loss problem, and men forever will be saved from baldness. 

“No,” I screamed, “Mr. Harrison, I am sorry to say that your research is terribly misdirected. Your research should be the other way around. You should identify the root cause for hair growth and eliminate it.”

Then I explained him the virtues of having a perfect head.  I told him there are more to baldies than it meets the eye; they are wiser, levelheaded and are good managers and achievers. 

“In fact, Mr. Harrison, bald men are considered sexier,” I told him with a wink in my eyes. I could see the spark in his eyes but I wasn’t sure if he is fully convinced. “David, are you still not convinced?”

Then I told him I have evidence from Anthropology, Business Management and Health Sciences to prove my point that men, today, are indeed dying to become bald.

He said, halfheartedly, “Please go ahead.”

I explained him about the theory of evolution of homo sapiens. 

“David, what does theory of evolution teach us on the hairy issue?” I asked and paused and said, “More the hair you have, the more you are akin to the monkey, my dear David!”

Then I said to myself, “Do not loss your heart David, just the hair, and I will show how you can climb up the ladder of evolution.”

“That is interesting,” said David, “what about other evidences,” for the first time he showed a little excitement.

“David, do you agree that time is the most precious resource available to human being?” I asked. 

David agreed and said, “Yes, Tony, every minute is valuable in life.”

That is the opening I waited for and duly gate crashed, “David, the amount of time that 'Have-nots' save is unbelievable. They save 9 minutes per shower and hair drying, 10 minute per mirror-view and hair adjustment, 60 minutes per hair-dye cycle, 12 minutes per hair-cut cycle, to mention a few,” and “In all, a whopping 350 hours saved per year! And 10,500 hours during their entire bald-years life!” I said without gasping.

David went speechless and now appeared to get a bit jealous about the virtues of being a 'Have-not'. 

“What about further support from Health Sciences?” mumbled David.

I thundered, “David, being bald means being more hygienic. I will tell you why,” and I said, “You will agree that ability to think is the one factor that distinguishes men from animals.”

“Yeah,” he readily agreed.

I further explained about the two vital physical activities that thinking involves i.e. 'scratching the head' and 'biting nails!' 

Of course, no need to mention what hair means in hygiene parlance - one has only to recall the last time when they unearthed a strand of hair from their dinner plate.

“David,” drawing his attention, I said, “Now let us get deeper into the process of thinking. Imagine the 'Haves' digging their nails into their hairy top, like a shovel digging the ground at a construction site, and ending up scooping zillions of microbes in their nail tips.”

I could sense David has started shivering and I continued unabated, “David, let us get into the filthiest stage of the thinking process, of putting your nails between your teeth, chewing it and finally biting it!”

That was the last nail on David’s head and he left the gathering in a hurry.

I followed him, yelling, “David, where are you going.”

David, looked back as he rushed towards his car saying, “Tony, I am rushing. I’ve two critical things to do immediately. A project course correction and an appointment with my barber!”

A week later, the $1.6 billion genome research project took a 'U' turn for the benefit of mankind and David regained his face.

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- Radha Konda